40 Most Awkward Things Patients Have Actually Said To Doctors

1. “Is my nipple too hairy?”

2. “Is there a pill so I can have a baby boy?”

3. “My iPhone camera makes my face look wonky.”

4. “I went to the gym yesterday and now my arms are hurting.”

5.

5.

6. “My son’s shoes are rubbing him.”

7. “Doctor, my stomach makes this weird rumbling/gurgling noise whenever I haven’t eaten. It’s starting to affect my work.”

8. “My skin is too soft.”

9. “Hi Doctor. I booked this appointment two weeks ago but the problem has gone now. I didn’t want to waste the appointment so I thought it best to come anyway.”

10. “I’m worried about a white lump in my baby’s gum.” It was a tooth.

11.

11.

12. “When I drink certain types of beer I vomit and have a headache the next morning.”

13. “I would like to undergo fertility testing as I have not become pregnant for two years now.” The husband had been away for 18 months.

14. “I’ve lost my spidey sense and need a test to find out why.”

15. “I have had a runny nose for the last half hour.”

16. “Please, can you remove this pubic hair from between my teeth?”

17.

17.

18. “Can you settle a marital dispute? My wife thinks paracetamol is better; I think ibuprofen is. Who’s right?”

19. “My poo smells this morning and it doesn’t normally” — with said excrement wrapped in tinfoil in a carrier bag.

20. “My wife isn’t interested in having sex with me. Please can I send her to you so you can give her something for that?”

21. “Can you cut my sons toenails as he doesn’t like it?” (He was 17 years old).

22. “My 9-year-old daughter cries and cries because we can’t get a dog.” (Pets not allowed in block of flats.) “Please write a letter saying she’s depressed so we can get her one.”

23.

23.

24. “Can you write a letter to get me a new flat? Mine is really dirty.”

25. “Can I have a sick note for six months because I am nearly at retirement age?”

26. “Doctor, please can you write to my daughter’s school to say I’m finding the school run tiring and can they arrange transport to and from my house?”

27. “Please can you help me write my CV?”

28. “Please can you fill out my driving licence application as I’m not sure how to?”

29.

29.

30. “I’ve just been on holiday with my mistress. I’ve just got back and work want to know where I’ve been. I’d like a sick note to cover me.”

31. “I’m allergic to avocados — if I eat eight I’m sick.”

32. “I’m really worried my daughter has a splinter — can you get it out? We haven’t tried by the way, because we were so worried.”

33. “My cat scratches my furniture and it upsets me because I love him.”

34. “Do you have something to make my nails stronger and hair shinier before my holiday tomorrow?”

35.

35.

36. “I need some advice as I want to break up with my boyfriend and I don’t know what to say.”

37. “What normal 15-year-old boy doesn’t have porn on their computer? I’ve looked and looked but he really doesn’t. That’s not normal.”

38. “I get indigestion when it’s cloudy and my child has ear discharge when there is a full moon.”

39. “I have had a sore throat since this morning.”

40. “Doctor, I cannot fart without making a noise.”

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